Therapists just sit there, nod their heads and then get paid for it!
Updated: Oct 15
'Therapists just sit there, nod their heads and then get paid for it!' It’s something I’ve heard before – and perhaps something you’ve thought yourself.
You go to therapy, you do most of the talking, the therapist listens, nods occasionally, asks a few questions…and then you pay them.
So what exactly are you paying for?
The truth is, good therapy involves a great deal more than simply listening.
Listening is important – but it’s only the beginning. Being properly listened to can be surprisingly powerful.
Therapists Do More Than Just Listening
In everyday life, when we talk about something that is worrying or upsetting us, people often want to make it better: they give advice, reassure us, tell us what they would do or perhaps say, “Try not to worry about it.”
A therapist listens differently.
While I’m listening to you, I’m also thinking about what may be happening underneath what you are telling me.
I might begin to notice patterns:
Perhaps you are very hard on yourself
Maybe you worry constantly about disappointing other people
Maybe you find it difficult to say no
Perhaps you automatically assume that something is your fault
You may come to therapy because you are anxious or unhappy, but as we talk we might discover that there are experiences or patterns from much earlier in your life that are still affecting how you feel today.
These are things I hear a lot:
Why do I keep doing this?
Why do I keep choosing the wrong relationships?
Why do I overthink everything?
Why can’t I say no?
Why do I worry so much about what other people think of me?
Why do I lack confidence when everybody else seems to think I’m doing fine?
Why do I react so strongly to certain situations?
These are exactly the sorts of things we can become curious about in therapy.
Rather than simply trying to get rid of an uncomfortable feeling, we can start to understand where it comes from and why it keeps appearing.
Sometimes a way of coping that made perfect sense earlier in your life simply isn’t helping you anymore.
Recognising that can be the beginning of changing it.
My Role as Your Therapist
I won’t just agree with everything you say: Therapy isn’t about having somebody on your side who tells you that you are always right.
At times, I may gently challenge you: I might notice that what you say you want and what you are doing don’t quite match. I may ask you to consider a situation from another perspective or point out a pattern that you haven’t recognised yourself.
That isn’t about criticism or judgement: It is about helping you understand yourself better.
And sometimes the question that makes you feel slightly uncomfortable is the one that turns out to be the most useful.
I’m not there to tell you what to do: People sometimes come to therapy wanting an answer.
Should I leave my relationship? Should I change my job? Am I being unreasonable? How do I stop worrying? What would you do if you were me?...
I can help you explore those questions, but I won’t make the decision for you.
My role is to help you understand what you think and feel, rather than telling you what I think you should do. Over time, the aim is for you to become more confident in understanding yourself and making your own choices.
What if I don’t have a major problem?
You don’t have to be in crisis to come to therapy. Some people know exactly what they want help with. Others simply know that something doesn’t feel right.
You might feel stuck, dissatisfied, anxious or overwhelmed. Perhaps life looks perfectly fine from the outside but doesn’t feel that way on the inside.
You don’t need to arrive with a diagnosis or even a clear explanation.
Sometimes figuring out what is wrong is part of the therapy itself.
And sometimes, yes, I do just listen. There are times when you don’t need another question or a different perspective. You just need somebody to hear you.
You may be grieving, frightened, angry, ashamed or talking about something you have never felt able to say out loud before. In those moments, I may not say very much.
Knowing when to ask a question, when to challenge and when simply to sit alongside somebody is an important part of being a therapist.
What about couples therapy?
The same principles apply when I work with couples, although I am also paying attention to what is happening between two people – the patterns of communication, conflict, closeness and distance that can develop in a relationship.
Again, it isn’t about deciding who is right or wrong.
It is about helping both people understand what is happening between them and whether they can begin to respond differently.
So what are you actually paying for?
You are paying for training, experience and professional judgement, but also for something that can be surprisingly difficult to find in everyday life: time that is completely focused on you.
Therapy gives you somewhere to think out loud, make connections, understand yourself better and begin to recognise the things you might want to change.
A good therapist shouldn’t make you feel that you need them forever.
For me, therapy is ultimately about helping you to help yourself.
So yes, I listen. And I probably do nod my head sometimes too.
But there’s quite a lot going on behind the nodding.
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