When you know, you know: Finding the right therapist for you

Choosing a therapist can feel like a big decision.

You may have spent weeks, months or even years thinking about therapy before finally

deciding to make contact. Then suddenly you’re faced with websites, photographs,

qualifications, different approaches and lots of unfamiliar terminology.

So how do you actually know whether a therapist is right for you? I often think there is an element of “When you know, you know.”

That doesn’t mean you have to walk into your first session and immediately feel completely

comfortable. Therapy can feel strange at first. You are sitting with someone you don’t yet

know and being asked to talk about things that may be deeply personal, painful or difficult to put into words.

Trust takes a little time.

But even in those early conversations, there are some things you can notice. Perhaps the most important question isn’t “Is this person a good therapist?” but “Does this

therapist feel right for me?”

• How do you feel with them?

• Do you feel listened to?

• Do you feel that they are genuinely interested in understanding you rather than simply

• waiting to speak?

• Do you feel accepted rather than judged?

• And, importantly, can you imagine eventually being able to tell this person the things that are hardest to say?

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You don’t necessarily need to feel comfortable with everything you talk about in therapy. In

fact, good therapy will sometimes challenge you. But there is a difference between feeling

challenged within a safe therapeutic relationship and feeling uncomfortable with the

therapist themselves.

It’s OK to ask questions.

Your first conversation or session is also an opportunity for you to ask questions.

You might want to know:

• Have you worked with people experiencing something similar to me?

• What type of therapy do you offer?

• How do you normally work?

• What happens if I don’t know where to start?

• How often would we meet?

• What can I expect from our sessions?

A good therapist should be comfortable answering questions about their experience and the way they work.

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You don’t have to tell your whole story immediately.

Sometimes people arrive at therapy feeling they need to explain everything in the first

session. You might not. That’s OK.

Therapy is a relationship that develops over time. You can start wherever feels manageable.

As trust grows, you may find yourself talking about things you never imagined you would be

able to say aloud.

There is no prize for getting there quickly.

The relationship matters and there are many different therapeutic approaches and qualifications, and these are important. But therapy is also a very human relationship.

You might find a therapist who looks perfect on paper but simply doesn’t feel right when you

meet them. Equally, you may speak to someone and find there is something about their

manner that immediately helps you feel a little more at ease.

Pay attention to that.

You are allowed to meet a therapist and decide they aren’t the right person for you. A

professional therapist will understand this.

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So, when do you know?

• Perhaps you know when you begin to feel that you don’t have to present a polished version of yourself.

• When you can arrive confused, upset, angry, embarrassed or unsure and know that there is space for all of it.

• When you feel heard.

• When you feel safe enough to be honest.

  
  

And when, even during the more difficult conversations, you have a sense that the person

sitting opposite you is alongside you rather than judging you.

Finding that therapuetic relationship may happen immediately, or it may take a little time.

But when it feels right, therapy can become a place where you can understand yourself

differently, recognise patterns that may have been with you for years and begin to make

meaningful changes in your life.

Sometimes, when you know, you really do know.